Jurassic Park

 

Average Star Rating (ASR): 3.2 ★'s

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Jurassic Park

Perfectly written, acted, and directed, Jurassic Park is one of the greatest action films of all time and remains the quintessential dinosaur movie. The film’s childlike wonder, impressive mix of practical and CG effects, and Spielberg’s trademark direction make for one of the best movies of the famed director’s career. ★★★★★

Best Part: Spielberg’s direction

Worst Part: Hammond learns nothing

Precocious Kid Count: 0 (Tim and Lex are awesome, and you know it)

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The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Jeff Goldblum returns as Dr. Ian Malcolm in the most mediocre of all Jurassic Park movies. While the film does expand the lore of the franchise, it does away with all the nuance and originality that were present in the first film. The plot is tired, Jeff Goldblum looks bored, and there are just too many irrelevant characters who exist just to die. ★★★

Best Part: Environmentalism?

Worst Part: They did Eddie dirty

Precocious Kid Count: +1 (Gymnastics can’t stop a raptor. I call bullshit.)

Jurassic Park III

Half of this movie is a joyless dinosaur slaughter fest and the other half is island couple’s therapy! Let’s be honest, Alan should have never gone back to those islands and Sam Neill should have never gone back to the Jurassic Park franchise… but hey, a paycheck will make you do some craaaazy things. ★★½

Best Part: Alan and Billy’s obvious romantic and sexual connection

Worst Part: Téa Leoni shouting

Most WTF Moment: Raptor saying “Alan!”

Precocious Kid Count: +1 (Kid survives for eight weeks on dinosaur island, alone, while fully grown adults with guns can’t last five minutes. I call bullshit.)

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Jurassic World

22 years after the deadly destruction of Jurassic Park, the lives of innocent people are once again held in the balance thanks to an ill-advised theme park! When a genetically modified T-Rex/Raptor/Cuddlefish cross-breed breaks free and starts to kill both dinosaurs and tourists, some military guy decides he’s in charge and tries to use barely-trained velociraptors as soldiers. Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are also there. ★★★

Best Part: That CGI dinosaur fight

Worst Part: The unnecessarily violent deaths of innocent people

Precocious Kid Count: +2 (One brother spends majority of the film creepily staring at young women while the other cries about their parents’ inexplicable divorce. Side note, every kid character in the Jurassic franchise is a child of divorce. Is there a connection between divorce and dinosaurs? Are you more likely to survive a dinosaur attack if your parents are divorced? Does that experience help you in some way? There must be a college thesis in there somewhere.)

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Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

This Quickie Review contains spoilers for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

This film suffers tremendously from its oppressive tone and lack of originality. Fallen Kingdom gives us everything we've come to expect from this tired franchise and nothing more. Between the stale characters, improbable plot lines, and tortured dinosaurs, this movie is not only depressing, it's boring. ★★½

Best Part: The first five minutes

Worst Part: Dinosaur torture porn

Precocious Kid Count: +1 (Kid is used to justify a completely insane, franchise-extending plot point that is unjustifiable)*

*NOTE: Maisie is the first child in this franchise whose parents are not divorced! Because she has no parents... because she's a clone... created by the same scientists who created the dinosaurs... oh man, this franchise really jumped the Mosasaurus.

 
 
David Merkle